Guide to Setting Sexual Boundaries


What’s good sex all about? The answer may come as a surprise – boundaries!

Having well-established boundaries allows both of you to experience pleasure in a safe, very intimate environment. You know that your needs will be met while your limitations will be respected.

Many people don’t take the time to set boundaries before having sex with someone and that’s a pity. If you don’t know how to approach such a conversation, the following guide will come in handy.

Start with the Basics

There are many different kinds of boundaries you can be discussing. To get the conversation going, start with the basics.

It’s best to have the conversation at a time when you wouldn’t be interrupted. For example, it’s great to talk about sexual boundaries while you’re in bed and cuddling. The moment is intimate and it will create the perfect conditions for sharing sensitive information.

You can talk about the parts of your body that you like to have touched and the ones that are off-limits. If you have any body insecurities, you can share that information with a partner, as well.

You should also talk about sex basics like contraception, getting tested for STDs, scenarios that you enjoy and those you find uncomfortable.

Encourage your partner to share the same kind of information. These basics will give you the core boundaries of your sexual relationship. They will determine what you’ll do and what you’ll avoid, how you’ll have sex.

In time, you will feel more comfortable talking about deeper sexual topics that extend beyond the realm of vanilla sex.

Continue the Conversation

Having the core boundaries set builds trust and intimacy. You will feel more comfortable with your partner, which means that the conversation about sex boundaries can continue. 

When you feel good about it, discuss particular sexual fantasies or kinks that you’d like to explore together. You can also bring up the topic of sex toy use. If your partner is up to the idea, do some shopping together. Looking for kinky bondage toys will give you new ideas and get you curious about sexual things that you’ve probably never tried before.

The one thing both of you should understand during such conversations is that you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Setting boundaries isn’t about being convinced to do something you’re not ok with.

If the conversation heads in that direction, you have a right to enforce your preferences kindly and respectfully. Someone who values you is going to accept your choices without questioning or pushing back.

Keep the Conversation Ongoing

One thing you have to understand is that sex boundaries change over time.

Getting to know someone well means you probably trust them more than in the beginning of your relationship. As a result, you’ll become more likely to try something new that you weren’t too keen on before.

Keep the conversation about boundaries ongoing, especially if you find that your preferences and needs have changed.

Encourage your partner to share the same kind of information. Good sex is about discovery. It keeps things fresh and exciting. If you are eager to try something new, let your partner know about that. Chances are they’ll embrace the opportunity with open arms.

What to Do When Your Boundaries Aren’t Being Respected

It’s possible for someone to forget about boundaries in the heat of the moment.

If something happens during sex and you’re not ok with it, let your partner know. They should be capable of modifying their behavior, no matter how involved in a certain activity they’ve become.

Having your sexual boundaries disrespected habitually is a whole different ball game.

Such disrespect speaks of sexual egoism and the lack of respect. Take some time to have a really serious conversation with your partner about it. Make them understand that your boundaries aren’t negotiable and that you’re the one who’ll determine if any aspect of the sexual dynamic is going to change.

Not seeing the improvement and the respect needed to feel comfortable sexually should have you reconsidering the relationship. Sometimes, walking away is a much better idea than standing by a partner who’s not ready to meet your needs or honor your limitations.